It’s those pretty little lies we tell ourselves

I was scrolling through quotes and a few of them inspired this blog. I must stop thinking so much. Why is my head an over-populated place, always? At the end of this blog is the idea of doing 30 day challenges for the mind. I hope you will do them if I put them out there, and give them a try. If you have results good or bad I would love to hear them. These are techniques I have used to overcome so much already. Always a work in progress.

Some of this will be a repeat of the things I wrote about in the first blog, but these are things you will need to hear and tell yourself over and over along the journey to healing and self acceptance, so you might as well get used to it. There is some new stuff, too.

Let's start with what is normal? In my mind there is no such thing. The perceived normal we get on a daily basis is everyone pretending their lives are not abnormal in some way. The highlight reel they display for us, as they sweep their shame under rugs and keep tripping themselves and others. We all do it if we’re honest, but we can start being more aware once we know.

The “normal” road is a boring road that may seem comfortable to walk, but I promise no flowers or gardens will grow there. Take the road less traveled because it isn't crowded there, and you’ll enjoy the view. Besides, our comfort zones are seldom ever as comfortable as they seem. It’s those pretty little lies we tell ourselves.

You may not fit in, but just tell yourself you were born to stand out. Some people will talk shit no matter what you do, so do you, and don’t take it personal; because it isn’t. I know that it feels very personal, but it’s only fear of their own shame that compels them. You must for your own sake learn to stop taking things personal. You will avoid many upsets in your life and on your journey if you do. Many of your feelings of despair, anger, jealousy, and even sadness will diminish if you just stop taking shit personal.

Before we can face anything in life we must accept it. Accepting it will not change it, but it will change us for the better. You have to know going in that vulnerability is just that, and the healing process is going to hurt like hell. It is also going to take time, but what else do you have but time? You have to start by convincing yourself every day you are worth happiness and love. You have to give those things to yourself before anyone else can truly give them to you. Learn to enjoy your own company, and tackle one challenge at a time, so that you don't become so overwhelmed you give up entirely.

We must learn to be honest with ourselves. Admit our weaknesses, figure out why we have them, and do what must be done to let them go. It really comes down to mind over matter with so many things.

Be careful of not only the words you say but the thoughts you think, for you are always hearing and thinking them. Face your truth at any cost and don’t make excuses for anything awful in yourself that causes you shame. Accept the shame, own it, admit to it, and move on.

Sometimes that means you apologize to someone, other times you will have to forgive. It’s so hard to say you’re sorry, so make the first move. In most cases it will be well received. It is not good to believe a person is more than just a person. We all make mistakes and mess up. A real apology makes no excuses for behavior. It states the behavior, that the behavior was wrong, that you are sorry for it, and plan to never hurt them like that again. Intent should not be used as an excuse.

It’s going to be super important to remind ourselves as we begin to be vulnerable and expose ourselves to others that what they think about us is none of our business. The ones who are not receptive or outright offensive to you are only scared of their own shame, as stated earlier.

This will come up often the more of yourself you expose to the world. It’s very important to remind yourself over and over again not to bother caring what those people think because this is about you, your healing, and your life. Let them waste their lives thinking whatever they want about you. And just remember to love them from a distance because you understand their pain is just too deep and it isn’t you.

If you are anything like me you feel connected to everything. This makes you feel responsible for it all and want to fix it. The horrors of the world keep you up at night and you can’t seem to turn away. It appears if you have a destiny it is tied into the destiny of others, and you want desperately to end all suffering. 

There are days you must carry the universe, and days you will be crushed beneath the weight of it. It’s a tough road learning to be strong enough to love humanity, while facing the hate of it, too. That balance takes a long time to achieve, but it is achievable. 

I've learned to still hate the horrors of the world, but not feel solely responsible for them. I often get angry that more people aren't speaking out about them, and trying to help the rest of us make the world a better place. But anger is a poison. It will build nothing and destroy everything. 

Do not let your emotions make you their bitch. You’re always in control. Grab the steering wheel of your life and start paying attention to where you’re going. Jesus ain't taking the wheel. If you have to put it in reverse now and then, that’s okay.

Please learn from my experience and NEVER apologize for being emotional and sensitive. I don’t care how upset others get for it. It is a sign to be worn with pride. It means you have a big heart and you aren’t afraid like so many are to let others see it. Showing your emotions does not make you a pussy; in fact, it is a sign of great strength. Those who love you best and know you the best will always remind you of that.

I love my mother so much. She tells me often that what she loves about me is that I don’t half-ass anything. If I put my heart into something I give my whole heart. So you know that if I walk away from something it is never for lack of trying.

My husband has gotten over being angry at me for putting my all into people because love is a trait he admires. He is happy that I am learning to let go of the toxic ones, though. I have learned how to validate myself and people are seeing it. I’m not perfect and sometimes fall back into the trap of shame and insecurity, but I pull out quicker than ever before.

Just remember insecurity is not strength, and there is a difference between being vulnerable and being insecure. Your validation must always come from self. Don’t feed your insecurities, but starve them. Remember this saying, “You could be the ripest, juiciest peach in the whole wide world, and there is still going to be someone who won’t like peaches.” So live for the ones who do.

Along the way you are inevitably going to fall and fail and cry. That is perfectly okay. Just take a step back, admit you’re being ridiculous, and move on. Your success rate at getting through those moments already is 100%. I’d say that is pretty good.

Walk away and give yourself a pep talk as needed. Remind yourself a bad moment, day, or even week does not equate to a bad life. They’re all lessons that can be learned. Our greatest teachers in life are the mistakes and failures we make.

Own your story no matter how hard it is. The shame of it will never go anywhere until

you do. It is far more difficult to spend the only life you get running away from it. You’re not the first to feel it, nor will you be the last. It is only by falling in love with vulnerability that we lessen the risk of losing love and belonging. We want it so much but we keep up the armor and forbid it to come in. We must be brave enough to discover our own darkness and face it down, in order to know the power of our light.

There is a fool in us all; learn to love yours. The part of you that feels too much, talks too much, takes too many or too little chances. The you who wins and the you who does not. The you who lacks self discipline, loves, hates, hurts others and gets hurt by others, promises and breaks promises, the you who laughs and the you who cries.

It is not selfish to take time out and work on your own happiness and acceptance of self. It is absolutely necessary. For only when you truly and fully accept yourself can you accept others without selfish intent. And for every time you fall apart on the journey so fucking what. Every single time you fall apart it is a chance to begin again. To rebuild yourself the way you feel you should have been this whole time.

I want to bring up other people again because it really is that important. No matter how vulnerable you are to some people they will criticize and insult you. Please do NOT ever feel guilty for ridding your life of toxic people who aren’t ready to love you back. 

I don’t care if those people are relatives, in laws, spouses, employers, co workers, friends, whoever it is, you do not have to make room in your life for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. You can only be vulnerable and love others through their vulnerability if they accept it. Love can never be forced and neither can healing.

There are going to be people you care about that just aren’t ready. You have to accept that without feeling guilty. Don’t waste your words and vulnerability on people who deserve nothing but your silence. There are times when the most powerful thing you can say is nothing at all. Don’t spend so much time loving the wrong people. Time is too short to love them all, so spend your time on the ones who love you back.

Don’t grieve too long over the losses; even if they are many. I’d rather have four quarters than 100 pennies any day. The people who really love you are not fooled by your mistakes and failures. They are not swayed by the dark images you have of yourself. They see your beauty always; even when you feel ugliest. They see your wholeness even when you are broken. Know your innocent intent when you feel guilty. And often, these people can remind you that love is your purpose, even when you get confused.

The hardest choice you will ever make for yourself is the most important. Who stays in your life and who has to go? You can be free of who you used to be, who you are now, and all those toxic people one day at a time. And please, do not excuse or defend those worst parts of you that you share. For the things we make excuses for we will never change. The entire point is to remember everyone has shame, and to unload yours without taking others personal. 

Nothing will ever bring you peace but yourself. In the end, you really do have to be your own hero because the rest of the world is either busy saving themselves, or don’t even know they need saving. And you have to save yourself; Jesus can not do it. 

Always keep in mind that everything will be alright does not necessarily mean everything will be the same. Your journey will be your own, but I can pretty much promise it will change things as mine did. You will find yourself letting go of things and people, of ideas and dogma, and of lies you let blind you for years.

There comes a time you realize that you do not need anyone else to survive, but become grateful for the few who help you do it. No one is ever going to always be there no matter what they say or promise you. We’re humans and all fighting our own battles that distract us from promises. You just have to suck it up and accept that, too.

The one quote I read that I may have to disagree with tonight is that often we expect so much from others because we'd be willing to give that much of ourselves. It just is not true. The truth is we are speaking our love language to them, but they speak an entirely different language, so they are just as frustrated as we are. We're expecting them to offer us the same type of love we give, and failing to see the love they are already speaking. We're selfish and too busy waiting to be fulfilled. 

I think I have decided what to do with my next blog. I am going to offer a thirty day challenge for the mind. I hope that you will take it. The physical body and the mind are very much connected, and one can drastically affect the other. There are plenty of studies on vulnerability, healing, and human connection that prove this is worth it. I know it is worth it from my own journey. 

The week long episode of depression that I just went through is very rare for me now. I knew that there was something about the religious past I experienced that I must not have dealt with yet for it to affect me so badly. I found there were many unresolved issues, made the necessary corrections, and now I am moving on; feeling at peace with it all.

I often wonder if my children are still affected by my fundamentalism today. This depression brought on an talk with my children that resolved that guilt once and for all. They're not affected, and are just glad we are not that way today. 

They have no residue of fear left over from hell or anything. Of course, after reading the bible themselves with some innocence left they never really did believe it. It was just a book to them. Stories that shocked their mind and simply could not be true. My daughter added that she don't see me as crazy, but as someone who gave her all to try and follow the religion she'd been taught. 

My sister and mother both reminded me that I have the right to my story. That I can remove toxic people from my life. That there is no shame in falling unless I allow the shame to keep me down. 

Friends reminded me that love is really what it's about, and suggested blogging. My husband just isn't ready to deal with it at all, but he hugged me, cried with me, and told me he was so sorry. God I love that man. 

So here I am today, thirty or more relatives and friends gone. Some I have hurt and some who have hurt me. Some who will always see me as the crazy religious lady. It doesn't matter, you know. The ones I have hurt I have apologized to, said sorry to even people I may have hurt who never said a word just in case, and removed them to prevent my atheist posts from hurting them more. The ones who have hurt me I removed to set my boundaries. We only accept what we think we deserve, and I don't deserve to be kicked when I'm down. If I am experiencing a breakdown and your response is to laugh I must remove you. Vulnerability is hard enough without being made fun of. 

I am really doing the blogs for myself, but hoping others can benefit. It is going to help me give the life of an atheist a positive spin. I really am much happier since taking full accountability for my life. Since becoming atheist and having no excuse not to. I want to pay it forward in something other than just anger at injustice. I hope these help someone at some point.