Mad as Hell

I feel more depressed right now than I have in ages. Things were going so well with the exercising and eating right. Of course, we started eating better months ago, and that won’t change. By the end of the week of exercise my nerves were in high-gear, and my pain was in places I never knew you could feel pain in. The other morning I woke up to a bucket of pain I was not prepared for. I should have been prepared, though.

A few years ago I decided to start exercising and ended up with enormous back pain, and calves that felt like they were being clawed through. I found out that on top of my scoliosis I have arthritis in my spine, two spots of stenosis, and four discs that are protruding and bulging.

The pain my legs is mostly due to the nerves being cut off and pinched from the discs, but the surgeon I was seeing before losing my insurance thought there was more to it than that. I have chronic muscle tension in my calves, and he was going to run some test to see why I felt like I had no circulation from the knees down.

Shortly after I lost my insurance I found out I have high blood pressure, and have been forced for months to just deal with it without medication. I was finally able to get through to someone regarding the insurance, and was told I should be able to get it back, but need to come up there with my ID. Well, my ID has two different last names on it, and to change it I needed my marriage license. I searched for weeks and could not find it.

A few months ago, when I got out of a shower I hit the floor hysterical and had to be taken to the hospital. They determined after multiple tests I must have pulled a muscle or pinched a nerve. Well that makes sense seems how all my pain is nerve and muscle pain, I guess. The being stabbed repeatedly in my back feeling has not gone away. It feels like someone is jabbing a knife over and again into my left lung. Some days are worse than others like with all the other pain.

Right after that my ankles began giving me a lot of trouble. The most frustrating part about it all is that I could work through the legs and back. I could climb ladders and paint an entire room in a night just a few months ago. I can’t do that now. I can barely grip a cup in my hand without feeling I am going to drop it, and my ankles won’t allow the climbing even momentarily.

The other morning I woke up to my arms just giving me hell. My left one is definitely worse. In fact, all the pain I have is worse on the left side. My biceps feel bruised, as if someone repeatedly punched me in them. The pain travels down my outer elbow, through both sides of my forearms, and into my wrists and fingers. I can type so fast but I have to peck and pause now because it hurts so much.

I ended up in the hospital again. The doctor looked over all my past records and asked me if I’d ever been worked up for auto immune disease. I was taken aback and told her no. She asked me if anyone in my family has auto immune disease, and I told her about my sister, who has like five of them on top of each other. I already felt so much empathy for my sister, and have been inspired by her fight often, but this inability to do things I once could has given me a whole new appreciation. It’s terrifying and debilitating.

I want a bright future. We’ve come so far to fail now. Dan and I both are in constant pain; similar in nature. It drastically takes away from the quality of life. We’re both depressed because there is so much we want to do that we simply cannot do. I am scared because I am supposed to start using my degrees and begin a career, but I can’t even do my fucking dishes or sweep my floors.

Thanks to my amazing cousin I was able to go down today and get a copy of our marriage license, take it to secretary of state and have my ID fixed. When it comes in the mail I will be able to get insurance again, and so will my husband. Here’s to hoping that if they can’t heal the nerve damage we’re dealing with they can at least make it more tolerable for us. We’re only in our thirties. I can’t imagine our sixties at this rate.

I want to be there for my kids. To be able to run with them, play with them, and make memories that other parents do with their children, but I can’t. Instead, my daughters held plates while I piled food on them tonight because my arms would not allow the weight. My husband had to fit the sheet to the bed because my arms would not allow the downward motion, and he fixed the pillows because I couldn’t even lift those.

I keep trying and crying. I tried to move Jasmyne’s keyboard off her bed, and instant pain and tears sprung forth. Adriana had to remove it. I tried to carry a gallon of milk home from the corner store and shifted it hand to hand because the pain was horrid, and I swore I was going to drop it. I tried to wash dishes and my grip is so bad that I didn’t dare pick up the glass dishes. I wake up with fingers that cannot fist, and just to touch me I want to scream out in obscenities. It never used to hurt when people touched me. It does now.

Every night my Jayde comes and hugs me from behind before going to bed. It’s never been an issue. The last two nights I’ve had to tell her not to lean on my shoulders. I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to tell my kids they can’t touch me god dammit. I am so fucking pissed off. 

Get Moving

I swear I will get to part two after this week is over. There are many things going on this week, and this blog is about the biggest change happening right now.

Through my journey the one thing that remains constant is that I am responsible for teaching my children right from wrong. What has changed is the way in which I do that. This week I’ve decided to add healthy living and exercise to the teaching.

We each created our own motivational page. We described our reasons for wanting to be fit and healthy, set attainable and realistic goals, decided how we were going to track our progress and why tracking is important, we created a web of social support in each other and online, we wrote a few sentences on embracing the imperfection of the journey to remind ourselves to get back up if we fall, and printed out a couple pages of motivational quotes and reminders should we forget. Part of our tracking led us to create a free sparkpeople.com page. There is a ton of information and support there. It's not all or nothing. You don't even have to go fast, you just have to go.

I created a before and after page of stretches. We are going to take it one month at a time. The next 30 days we’re going to be taking on two challenges. The 30 day crunch challenge, as well as the 30 day squat challenge. The great part about it is that you don’t have to do them all in one sitting. Do half in the morning and half at night, or break them up into three or four sessions. As long as you do the right number for that day you don’t have to do them all at once. This makes them more doable. Not having to think past one month is also helpful. We don’t feel obligated or overwhelmed.

At the end of our 30 days we will weight ourselves, see how far we have made it toward our goals, and create a new motivation page with new or adjusted goals. Wish us luck!

Tea Party Tantrum

I know I am supposed to do part two for the hypocrisy series, but really, I am so not in the mood. Tonight I am having a very human breakdown, that I know will pass, but in the meantime I feel a rant coming. A very biased, leftist rant. If you don't like liberals FUCK YOU. Go get caught in a bathroom getting a blow job from the same men you deny marriage equality, fuck face.

The world has lost its fucking mind. This country is so god damn divided on everything that we’ll never get it together. Thank you, idiot right wingers, for convincing your base that education and critical thinking are of the devil, so that you can get away with corporate greed, whilst they argue whether Obama’s birth certificate is real  & when he is coming for their guns, and have no issue with Romney, whose tax havens are in offshore accounts, not showing his returns.

For the love of fucking sanity I want to slap somebody. People do NOT think for themselves. Republicans only goal since Obama became President is to obstruct him. The “scandals” they have created are not fucking scandals at all. They are distractions and bullshit to rile up their masses, while they continue to be do nothing fucks who don’t work for the people, but for their corporate masters.

Four Americans died in Benghazi. Do you want to know why? Republicans cut the funding to embassies and Hilary Clinton WARNED them it would happen. They don’t give two fucks because they need more funds to cover the tax breaks they give the rich. They don’t care about any of the Americans who died over there. They’re using those deaths for a greedy agenda. Wake the FUCK up, you incompetent fucking idiots. Ugh.

The GOP is nothing more than a pack of vultures. They spew their pro-life nonsense, while they advocate wars and the death penalty. They claim to care so much about life, but they don’t. They only care about the “unborn”. Once you’re born you’re on your fucking own, bitch.

It’s like Carlin said...

How can anyone say the GOP is pro-life? They’re closing women’s health clinics, eliminating food stamps, and taking insurance from 20 million people. It is not the safety net programs that are bankrupting this fucking country, people. It’s the tax breaks and deregulation on corporations and banks. If you can’t see that you’re willfully fucking stupid or pretending because you’re in the 1%. You know who is going to benefit and profit heavily from the anti-abortion laws just passed in Texas? Rick Perry's fucking sister. This isn't about saving the god damn unborn you silly immature fucks.

These fuckers have convinced idiot Christians to vote for them. They want a theocracy so they can get away with all this shit, and have the name of God to back them up. Prosperity gospel games. Pimp politicians in a pulpit. If god were real they would be the fucking Pharisees. Jesus would be over-turning their god damn tables. Make no mistake, he would not be a gun-toting, greedy, corporate loving republican. The fuck bible did you read? He wasn’t for family values, either, so get that shit out your head.

I am sick of fake mother fuckers talking about patriotism. "When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross." We are a global society and ought to live as such. America stopped being number one a long ass time ago.

The SCOTUS should have made it harder for idiots to vote, instead of removing the most crucial piece of the voters right act that will now allow minorities to be more discriminated than they’ve been in decades.

They attack science, education, global warming, healthcare, and every other GOOD thing we have going. They scare their base into votes. They defund and deregulate everything so that the richest fucks in the country get richer, while the rest of us are driven further and further into poverty, and are called roaches in need of handouts. How fucking dare you!!!

Thank you, right wing fucking assholes. Thank you for sinking this fucking country to the ground, while you spew how much you love the flag and your fucking god damn guns. I fucking hate you most days. Go build yourselves a small community and shoot each other until your hearts are content.

Oh, I’m sorry, maybe that was a little harsh...

You can't tell them anything! It's so easy to be a conservative. All you have to do is believe in bullshit without evidence. It's much harder to be a liberal because after you inform yourself trying to inform the rest of them is like pulling fucking teeth. It's all in vain.

If you miss the way it used to be might I suggest you tax a fucking millionaire  support a god damn union, and buy American?

And FUCK YOU for thinking it is, you un-informed, willfully ignorant mother fuckers.

A History of Hypocrisy: Part One

Many of the things I choose to write about I am guilty of. One of the reasons I share my experiences is in hope that they can help someone else. Maybe if I keep putting myself out there and being vulnerable it will help another person let go of their shame and do the same. One of the things that I continue to struggle with is anger.

We all get angry and often feel justified in that anger. The truth is anger, no matter how justified it is, really does cause more harm than good in many cases. There are many times it is our personal experiences and bias that makes us angry. I have come a long way in being able to control my anger once I recognize it is there. I am human, though, and sometimes do not see it as clearly as others.

In our anger we seldom think rationally and logically at all. The following information is being presented, and will lead up to the anger I’ve displayed at religion for some time now. I am still angry about it, but I’ve realized that the anger is hindering my goals, and alienating those I love. Writing is therapeutic for me, so here’s to some hope and healing.

I am long-winded and in today’s technological, fast-paced world no one wants to read long blogs and walls of text. If you are one of those people I apologize, but I am sure you can find shorter blogs than mine to read if you’re not interested. I must be who I am.

In the end, even if these blogs never help another person they are helping me sort things out for myself, and that has to be enough. My experiences with god and religion over the years is what shaped and led to my fundamentalism. It played a large part of that experience. If I am to ever let it go completely I must understand its role in my journey.

Growing up I believed in the Christian god. I never took religion seriously then, never read the bible, never went to church regularly, etc. Mom had sent us off occasionally on the church bus to Mount Hope Church; the church with all the flags. I remember singing cool songs about Jesus and the devil’s hair cut. I remember doing plays and putting on shows. It was all just fun and games then.

We did crafts and other things children enjoy, but I don’t remember ever hearing any in depth conversation or teachings on Christ, the gospel, or being told I was an awful sinner. It was all god loves you, now paint red for the color of the blood that he shed, brown for the crown of thorns upon his head, etc.

Looking back now it was where the shame was first planted. It was there we were told yellow was the color of the Christians who were afraid to tell, and how we should never be a Christian afraid to tell. Yellow is the color of cowards. I never understood what the crown of thorns was back then, or what I was supposed to tell others. It was light indoctrination that I wouldn’t understand for years to come.

I did pray every single night. My mother and step father were not particularly religious, but when I met my biological father I was excited that he was; at first. I was about 15 or so when I met him, and one day decided to ask him some questions about god. Since him and his wife at the time seemed to know so much I was thrilled to learn more.

One day he asked me how I prayed. I told him that I would thank god for the good things in my life first, then ask for help with the bad. I explained that at the end of every prayer I listed people I loved specifically and asked god to watch over them, and before the amen I would offer praise and admiration to god. My dad laughed at me. I don’t think I will ever forget how shameful I felt in the moments that followed.

He said that isn’t how prayer works. Through his laughter and mocking me he explained that I was to praise god first before anything else. It was the first time I was explained “the truth” of the gospels. He told me that I was born undeserving. That I was a sinner who deserved to burn in hell, but if I would put god first, praise him above all else, and share him with others I could be saved from that eternal torture. And then he went to another room to smoke a joint.

I left that encounter with my dad knowing a few things. I was a horrible person who didn’t deserve to be alive, and should grovel at the feet of god for forgiveness. What was I guilty of? Being born into a world I never would have asked to live in. I knew for the first time what Jesus had done, and why it was important.

I swallowed it all because the only love I knew my entire life was that way. I was pushed away, shunned, ridiculed, and often felt undeserving. My parents are great parents now and I am grateful for our relationship, but that wasn’t always the case. My parents have their own past and unfinished business that forced them to repeat cycles they regret.

Knowing that as an adult has enabled me to forgive and know without doubt my parents always loved me. As a child, though, love was sorely lacking from my life. So this explanation of god, of how undeserving I was of love, even with the shame with which it came, was acceptable to me. Love was always associated with abuse and shame for me.

Looking back I couldn’t see what a hypocrite my dad was. My real anger is the hypocrisy that moderate Christians love so much. He walked away from my mother and left her to raise me alone. For fifteen years he didn’t give a shit where or who I was. Had my older sister not threatened him with taking him on a talk show he never would have found me.

When he came back into my life he cheated on his wife with my mother, who had to cheat on my step dad to make that happen. Adultery is a sin, but you won’t hear him confess it. He has no problem telling you what a sinner you are as he laughs and mocks your good intentions, though.

After all of that he felt superior and arrogant in his belief, and rather than explain to his child, who he had already hurt for years, kindly where he was coming from he chose to mock me and make me feel awful about who I was. For the first time I realized why I never thought I deserved love. According to god I didn’t deserve it, and who I am to argue with god? I was confused.

When I met my dad I was dating a guy named Joe. He was a satanic worshipper. In his room in the basement he had a table with satanic stuff all over it. The satanic bible, a statue of the virgin Mary painted black with the word whore written in red on the bottom of it, and other such things. He would get angry if anyone ever touched it, but I could touch it when he bent me over it to have his way with me.

I remember dad’s wife, Becky, telling me the next time Joe was mean to me I needed to rebuke him in the name of Jesus. She explained to me that there was power in the name of Jesus like none other. It felt so silly but she assured me it would work. In fact, she said that rebuking in the name of Jesus could not fail.

So we were sitting on his couch one afternoon and Joe was being his usual dick self. Out of nowhere I remembered what Becky said, and I rebuked a satanic worshipper in the name of Jesus. I did so with full confidence in the name of Jesus and was positive it would work. That the demons inside of him would magically float off and he’d be forever changed in that moment.

Let me tell you it was not Jesus with the power in that exchange. Joe laughed so long and hard at me. He asked where I had learned such a thing, and when I told him Becky, he wanted to know why I would listen to a woman who claims to serve god and grows pot in her backyard. He used the same arguments for his Satanism that many atheists use to deny gods altogether. So once again, I am ashamed and mocked.

I left home young and pretty much stayed with Joe and his mother. It was an awkward place to live. While he was worshipping satan his mother thought she was married to Christ; literally. She was a chain smoking, fear filled, Christian. I can remember coming back to the house one day with Joe to see her reading his satanic bible, and he went ballistic. I was afraid he would hurt her, but he never did. We wondered why she would read that book if she was “married to Christ”, and she said she was curious as to what satan’s side of the whole deal was. We left it at that.

The experiences I’ve had with religious people has been interesting; to say the least. None more interesting than my own religious experiences that came later. Looking back I can see that the more serious someone I knew tried to take god and religion the more crazy they seemed to me and the rest of the world. Yet I kept believing. I never once questioned if god was real, if I was serving the right god, or if the bible was a good book. Whenever I saw something conflict with the love of god I just ignored it, or put them people off as fundamental and crazy. Eventually I became one of them. That took a long time because I was frantically searching for the answers in others who believed, and only when none of them could provide any real answers did I take matters into my own hands.

After I had my son at age 18 his dad and I were trying to make our relationship work. We moved in with his dad, Pete, and his wife, Sheryl. They were Christians and since Chris and I were not married we had to sleep in separate rooms. Part of the deal for allowing us to stay with them was that we go to church twice a week, and do bible study every night.

I confess I didn’t pay much attention to Pete reading the bible at night. I was preoccupied with other things, bored to tears, tending to my son, or drifting off in thoughts. We attended a Baptist church. It was the strictest church I’d ever been to. I hate wearing dresses and skirts, so I would wear nice slacks with sweaters or blouses. I was told by the pastor that he would prefer to see me in dresses, and that pants were against god and the bible. So Pete took me shopping and I bought some dresses. Shortly thereafter I went to the altar, accepted Christ, and was baptized into the church.

Since Chris had cheated on me so often in the past they decided we should take counseling with the pastor to heal before we got married. The first couple sessions went well I guess. From what I know about psychology today the advice he offered never works in the real world, though.

We were never told that I wasn’t to be alone with the pastor. So during one of our sessions when the pastor asked Chris to leave we thought nothing of it. Who doesn’t trust their pastor? Well, the pastor began by asking me very personal questions. He wanted to know how many men I had slept with, the details of those encounters, and eventually reached over and caressed my thigh. My pastor was making sexual advances at me, while his wife was in another room of the church. My faith was fumbling all over the place.

When I told Pete he didn’t believe me. He said I was either making it up or misunderstanding. I refused to go back to the church and he made me leave his home. It took ten years for him to apologize. I may have been the first to come forward, but over the years fourteen other women followed my lead. The pastor was fired and replaced.

Since then, I’ve learned that Peter was an awful father to Chris. Him and Chris’ mother were both alcoholics, and would lock their children in rooms for hours at a time. Chris suffered severe abuse from both parents, and learning not to take the cheating, and his walking away from our children personal has helped me grow tremendously.

Pete is still an alcoholic today. Sheryl and I had grown close, and despite that he kicked me out of their home, she still called me from time-to-time. One day she called me hysterical and told me she left him. That even though it was a sin she could no longer take his abuse. I had no idea for as long as I lived there that he physically or emotionally abused her. I was horrified at his hypocrisy and the lengths he went to in order to hide it. I am sad that she eventually went back to suffer at his hand.

My entire life was riddled with such hypocrisy; especially in those who preached the loudest. I never saw it as clear as I do today. My experience with the Baptist pastor made me stray from religion for a very long time. I still believed in god, but could not make myself go to any church. I had such a hard time trusting anyone as it was. How could I ever trust another pastor to speak the truth?

To be continued….

One Hurdle at a Time

Today when my husband got home I had left him a letter. In the letter I explained to him that through the years I have continued to show him my most embarrassing, shameful, intimate pieces, and he had yet to show me but a few of his own. I requested that before we embark on this new chapter of our life, with me going to off to start a career, we have a much needed conversation; uncomfortable as it may be.

I told him that I want to help him heal, but that I can’t heal him. I wasted so many years waiting for him to heal me, but it took me taking charge and working the issues out myself to have any effect. I told myself I was trying to fix him, when in reality I was too broken myself to do much good, and looking selfishly, with honest intent, for outer validation.

It was only when I stopped seeing everything he did or said, or did not do or say personal that I was able to grow. It’s much less of a battle today, but I still have my battles.

Far too often I would get angry and upset at various behaviors, rather than understand the past and what had created them in him. Once I got better at understanding him I was able to accept him where he is and change myself. Boy does that take a long fucking time. Insecurity and fear can gain strongholds you would not imagine.

You’re never going to change another person. They have to own their own experiences, dig up their own roots, fight their own battles, but you can be by their side through it all. I am grateful that I was able to make the first move. He has been hurt far more than I. He has lost so much more than I could ever fathom. It had to be me first. I wasted so much time waiting for him to fix it, never realizing he was far more broken than I, and couldn’t even fix himself.

He hates to talk religion. Our experience with it was much harder on him than on me. He was raised in the church and absorbed in god is love, but also just. I can remember various things he’s mentioned over the years that showed me how much shame he felt for things he shouldn’t be ashamed of. I know that religion is the root of much of it, but I don’t want to force him. So I seldom talk about it.

He still believes and says that the bible was just twisted by man, and I shouldn’t read so much stuff on the internet. He is not comfortable enough to watch the documentaries and view the sources I have yet. His cognitive dissonance remains strong.

In the letter I told him that I will love him always, and that even if he believes in god forever I am not going anywhere. Even if he goes back to church I will be here and love him, so long as he doesn’t try to force it back onto me, and does not involve our children.

However, I do want to discuss my plans to be more involved because I would like his support as well. He believes but is not fundamental in the least, and agrees it should not be in government; so we do have common ground. I want to donate to American Atheists, and go to the meet ups. I want to start a secular student alliance.

There were some things mentioned about time spent with others versus the lack of time he spends with me. I was nice and genuine and real in the letter. It still upset him because rather than play the games with me like I asked he remained silent and pulled up a software game he plays from time-to-time. At first I got angry. I came downstairs and changed all the passwords on our accounts, so he could not play them. I took his action personal, rather than as the uncomfortable reaction it was.

I realized the reason he was acting that way was not because I was wrong, he doesn’t love me, or I wasn’t good enough. He was acting that way because he was uncomfortable. I was right back into the emotional trap of taking shit personal. I was being immature and backpedaling. So I swallowed some pride, changed the passwords back, and went to him.

I placed my hand on his shoulder, and poured my heart to him. I told him he is a wonderful man, smart, funny, intelligent, and real. In fact, it was small things he has said to me during our time together that forced me to dig deeper and change. How easy it is for us to say the words.

I gave him examples of specific conversations we have had, of how I always saw his side, dug up my roots, and changed according to what he needed. I told him out loud with certainty that even if he believed in god forever I was his. I told him that I wish he could let go of it because the way he believes makes him feel shame for things he should not be ashamed of. I told him that choosing to ignore the symptoms he was resisting change. I told him to think about the sharing, growing, changing we'd already done. The trust that has built.

Before I even finished he grabbed me, took me in his arms, and kissed me like he hasn’t kissed me in ages. Our tears mixing together as they ran down our cheeks. 

And TMI or not, we made the most passionate love we’ve made in ages. We don’t have a bad intimate life in the least, but there is something different, special, and unique in that kind of vulnerable love making.

Had I allowed myself to continue to take it personal this night would have gone very differently. It does not matter to me that he did not make the move. I know why he didn't, and it isn't because he don't love me, or feel I am worth it. Sometimes we have to make the first move. We have to trust in ourselves enough to handle whatever outcome there is.

We had a nice family dinner of chicken fajitas and laughter. After wards I hung with my kids while he was in our room jamming to you tube videos. He played a song for me when I went up there: Billy Joel, A Matter of Trust. There is a line in the song where Billy sings “You can’t go the distance with too much resistance.” I chuckled and said, “Hey, that’s what I was saying earlier!” He smiled, nodded his head, and agreed.

So here is to break throughs...

30 Day Journal Challenge

There are a few things I’ve learned along this journey in finding what works and what does not. Please, use my experience, my trial and error to save yourself some heartache.

1. These tips won’t work every time but the more consistently you use them the less you will need to use them. Accept your progress and give yourself credit. Never beat yourself up for falling down. Stand up, dust off, and begin again. Please do not be so hard on yourself you never get back up, and so light on yourself you don’t try hard enough.

2. There is a difference in positive thinking and accepting reality as it is. Do not just repeat useless affirmations or live by faith. You have to dig deep to find the root and change the behavior. If you aren’t willing to rip open past wounds forget about it.

3. You can only change one bad behavior or thought at a time. You will be tempted when you’re most motivated to take on more, but you will eventually become overwhelmed and fail them all.

4. No one but you can believe in you enough to make a difference. If someone spends hours speaking to you, motivating you, getting you to feel good use that as a spring board to continue that kind of talk when you talk to yourself. Otherwise, those hours of that person’s time are wasted on you. For your own thoughts and self-talk will demolish everything they said. It’s why you’ll never find validation from anywhere but self.

With the journaling I’ve done in the past I had no specific way to journal. What I would do is every time I felt a negative feeling, anger, jealousy, insecurity, fear; I would write a journal entry.

If I finished writing the journal entry and still felt the negative emotion I would head to the bathroom, face myself in the mirror, and tell myself what I needed to overcome what the thought was. Whether I was being too prideful, holding someone accountable for things they didn’t do, and even if I was right why it was unhealthy to let the wrong emotions take over.

Over time this helped me stop having that particular thought. It was not positive thinking, so much as accepting truth and reality as it is.

If writing it down made me feel better I would dissect what I wrote. I would dig deep to understand why I felt that way, if it was fair to feel the way I did, if I was over reacting, if I was using the past as an excuse, etc.

I clung tight to the fact that I could most certainly use my past as an excuse for the way I was, but it was now my responsibility as an adult and mother to never allow it to remain an excuse to stay that way.

The first thing I chose to work on was accusing my husband of being with other women. Due to the past I carried pain into my relationship with him that he should never have had to deal with. I was carrying that pain from person to person. Holding my husband accountable for the actions of men before him was not fair. When faced with losing him over it I had no choice but to figure out how to stop.

I tried religion and most anyone who will be reading this already knows that only made our life worse, and that not one thing it can teach you will make it better. When I came out of religion I tried to figure out how I had felt the presence of a god I no longer believed in. Through that study I discovered the power of the brain and human psychology.

In the beginning I tried to ignore negative thoughts all together, and spew positive affirmations consistently. This does not work because when we ignore our problems by shouting over them they’re still there. They’re left alone to grow and fester, and we never heal from them or solve anything.

Positive thinking can be extremely detrimental because no matter how positive you speak you are not dealing with the problem or emotions. You are leaving the root in tact.  

I had to accept the fact that life just is what it is. Accept the horrors in myself that brought me so much shame I turned red in the face just to think them. There really was no other way. So this began my journey to accepting what is and using that to change who I am.

Every single time the insecure thoughts came, rather than start a fight, go through his wallet, or clean the computer looking for signs I would write, or go in the bathroom and tell myself he loves me, he would never cheat on me, remind myself I can’t blame him for what past lovers have done, etc. Over the course of time the thoughts of him cheating came less and less.

There were times throughout the process where I still went to him and started a fight, or I shuffled through his wallet, etc. Rather than let those moments be used as an excuse to give up I would remind myself that it had been so long since I’d done it. Why allow one bad choice to lead to a million other bad choices? So I would journal or pep talk myself, accepting the shame of the fall, and then I’d pick myself up and start again.

So many people told me not to do that to myself. Not to let the insecurity ruin my relationship, but I never listened. No matter how much I believed them as they spoke, or how motivated and good I felt after speaking to them, I would inevitably ruin it all with my own self talk and thoughts. Rather than choosing to change those thoughts on purpose I allowed them to consume me and propel me to almost lose the man I love.

The most recent example I have to offer is a deep search of something I didn’t understand. With the insecurity of other women and jealousy I at least knew the root of it, and was able to carefully, over time, pluck it and be healed.

My parents had cheated on each other often, many of my boyfriends had done the same to me, and everyone I’d ever met had been burned in that way. I had to dissect the pasts of those people, to learn that they had been through their own struggles and pain, and that them cheating on me was not my fault. It was not that I was never enough, but that something was going on inside of them they refused to heal and face. I stopped taking the cheating they had done so personal.

After the insecurity was taken care of I found myself steadily begging my husband for more than he gives. One day he got really frustrated and asked me why it wasn’t enough that he worked hard every day, took me out, bought me the things I needed, and much of what I wanted. Didn’t that prove he loved me?

Well, okay, I’d heard about love languages and perhaps that made sense. I feel most loved when you tell me you love me. When you tell me the house looks good, I am beautiful, or compliment in some way; words of affirmation. But surely the actions he was speaking of should scream far louder than those words, right?

Surely I would rather have him prove his love by working every day and taking care of us, taking me out to dinner, buying me things I want, rather than mere words?

Maybe his love language is gift giving, and the only way he can show me he loves me is giving me things. So how could I accept his language, learn it, and let it be enough? How could I allow his actions to speak louder than the words I was begging for?

What was it about gift giving that I loathed? I did loathe it.

So I began to journal again. This time whenever I felt like going to my husband, rather than doing so, I would sit and write. I made myself write about childhood and think of gifts I have received and how that affects me today.

I love my daddy and mean no harm in what I am about to say. He has come a long way and I don’t know what I would do without him, but he ended up being a large part of why gifts don’t show me love. The love language of giving gifts doesn’t speak love to me; it speaks guilt.

When I was growing up my daddy was an alcoholic. I remember a few times when he was mean that he would buy things to try and make up for it. One time in particular stood in my mind. I asked him earlier in the day if he had money for my yearbook, and he told me no, he was broke.

Later that day he and I got into it. I locked the bathroom door and told him no you won’t when he threatened to whoop me. He kicked the door down and my mother intervened. I went to school with her that night.  

When we got back to the house I took a bath. Afterward, my mother tricked me into the bathroom saying I left a mess. Only my dad was standing there and he asked me how much I needed for my yearbook. So not only had he lied and had the money to get the yearbook, but he was only buying it for me because he felt guilty about his earlier behavior. If the argument had never happened I never would have gotten the yearbook. I immediately forgave my dad without even mentioning it to him because I know what alcoholics are capable of, and that it was the alcohol and not my dad that made those choices.

This happened more than once and with more than just my dad. So I traced my lack of ability to hear Dan’s love language back to the root, and over time have been able to disassociate gift giving with guilt, and learn to accept love the way he speaks it.

I had to do the same thing for awhile that I did with the insecurity with other women. If I felt neglected, like he wasn’t giving me validation, the words were not there, etc. I would journal or pep talk myself. I would remind myself that not everyone is the same. That if I want him to accept my love language the way he does, than I have to accept his. I reminded myself that I can’t hold him accountable for the past. Nor can I seek in my husband the validation and love I can only offer myself.

You see unless we accept and love ourselves we can’t hear the love and acceptance others offer us. We are too busy looking for them to validate us in the way we validate others, and often miss the validation they do give. It isn’t up to other people to validate us. If we leave it up to others we will never heal or grow.

I also learned that by wanting him to offer me the words of affirmation I was really trying to seek my validation in him. It wasn’t about him not loving me, so much as me needing to be told I was loved. For that love to be validated by him speaking it out loud to me.

In most cases I would tell you that over thinking is an awful thing, and it can ruin you. However, in a case like this over thinking through journaling and trying to find the root of an issue can heal you and help you in ways you can’t imagine. You might over think now, even, but the problem is not so much over thinking as it is what you’re thinking about.

For this thirty day challenge I hope you choose one negative emotion, thought, or flaw in yourself and accept it. Accept that you have this flaw, and use the journaling as a reflective way to find out where it comes from. Rather than blame the person or thing you trace it back to forgive and accept reality as it is. Don’t allow the shame you feel to stop you, either.

Feel the shame and remind yourself that we’ve all been ashamed at some point. Do you want to feel that way over and over again as you continue to repeat the behavior? If not, the only way to stop feeling the shame is to stop the behavior.

If you have to forgive someone like a parent, ex spouse, friend, do that. It is for you and not for them that you must set them free. If you know about the person’s past be honest about how awful your own has been in playing a part in who you are. Accept that their past is most likely why they hurt you, and stop taking that hurt personal. Let it go.

Then keep journaling or giving yourself pep talks. When enough time has passed you can move on to the next thing. I used examples from my marriage, but we have all used these techniques in this home, and all healed and been helped tremendously from them. Sure this takes times, but what else do you have but time?

I hope you leave me a comment or message me letting know if you're going to do this. I will be there for anyone who wants to take on this challenge. If you're serious about it I will be there to help you in any way that I can, encourage you, remind you to get up when you fall. I love to help people, but you first have to be willing to help yourself. 

Hell I had a bad week last week, so know that this is not perfect, and you will still have struggles, but you can overcome them, one at a time. I don't have all the answers and I won't pretend to. I just continue searching, educating myself, and accepting things as they are. It's all we can do. 

It’s those pretty little lies we tell ourselves

I was scrolling through quotes and a few of them inspired this blog. I must stop thinking so much. Why is my head an over-populated place, always? At the end of this blog is the idea of doing 30 day challenges for the mind. I hope you will do them if I put them out there, and give them a try. If you have results good or bad I would love to hear them. These are techniques I have used to overcome so much already. Always a work in progress.

Some of this will be a repeat of the things I wrote about in the first blog, but these are things you will need to hear and tell yourself over and over along the journey to healing and self acceptance, so you might as well get used to it. There is some new stuff, too.

Let's start with what is normal? In my mind there is no such thing. The perceived normal we get on a daily basis is everyone pretending their lives are not abnormal in some way. The highlight reel they display for us, as they sweep their shame under rugs and keep tripping themselves and others. We all do it if we’re honest, but we can start being more aware once we know.

The “normal” road is a boring road that may seem comfortable to walk, but I promise no flowers or gardens will grow there. Take the road less traveled because it isn't crowded there, and you’ll enjoy the view. Besides, our comfort zones are seldom ever as comfortable as they seem. It’s those pretty little lies we tell ourselves.

You may not fit in, but just tell yourself you were born to stand out. Some people will talk shit no matter what you do, so do you, and don’t take it personal; because it isn’t. I know that it feels very personal, but it’s only fear of their own shame that compels them. You must for your own sake learn to stop taking things personal. You will avoid many upsets in your life and on your journey if you do. Many of your feelings of despair, anger, jealousy, and even sadness will diminish if you just stop taking shit personal.

Before we can face anything in life we must accept it. Accepting it will not change it, but it will change us for the better. You have to know going in that vulnerability is just that, and the healing process is going to hurt like hell. It is also going to take time, but what else do you have but time? You have to start by convincing yourself every day you are worth happiness and love. You have to give those things to yourself before anyone else can truly give them to you. Learn to enjoy your own company, and tackle one challenge at a time, so that you don't become so overwhelmed you give up entirely.

We must learn to be honest with ourselves. Admit our weaknesses, figure out why we have them, and do what must be done to let them go. It really comes down to mind over matter with so many things.

Be careful of not only the words you say but the thoughts you think, for you are always hearing and thinking them. Face your truth at any cost and don’t make excuses for anything awful in yourself that causes you shame. Accept the shame, own it, admit to it, and move on.

Sometimes that means you apologize to someone, other times you will have to forgive. It’s so hard to say you’re sorry, so make the first move. In most cases it will be well received. It is not good to believe a person is more than just a person. We all make mistakes and mess up. A real apology makes no excuses for behavior. It states the behavior, that the behavior was wrong, that you are sorry for it, and plan to never hurt them like that again. Intent should not be used as an excuse.

It’s going to be super important to remind ourselves as we begin to be vulnerable and expose ourselves to others that what they think about us is none of our business. The ones who are not receptive or outright offensive to you are only scared of their own shame, as stated earlier.

This will come up often the more of yourself you expose to the world. It’s very important to remind yourself over and over again not to bother caring what those people think because this is about you, your healing, and your life. Let them waste their lives thinking whatever they want about you. And just remember to love them from a distance because you understand their pain is just too deep and it isn’t you.

If you are anything like me you feel connected to everything. This makes you feel responsible for it all and want to fix it. The horrors of the world keep you up at night and you can’t seem to turn away. It appears if you have a destiny it is tied into the destiny of others, and you want desperately to end all suffering. 

There are days you must carry the universe, and days you will be crushed beneath the weight of it. It’s a tough road learning to be strong enough to love humanity, while facing the hate of it, too. That balance takes a long time to achieve, but it is achievable. 

I've learned to still hate the horrors of the world, but not feel solely responsible for them. I often get angry that more people aren't speaking out about them, and trying to help the rest of us make the world a better place. But anger is a poison. It will build nothing and destroy everything. 

Do not let your emotions make you their bitch. You’re always in control. Grab the steering wheel of your life and start paying attention to where you’re going. Jesus ain't taking the wheel. If you have to put it in reverse now and then, that’s okay.

Please learn from my experience and NEVER apologize for being emotional and sensitive. I don’t care how upset others get for it. It is a sign to be worn with pride. It means you have a big heart and you aren’t afraid like so many are to let others see it. Showing your emotions does not make you a pussy; in fact, it is a sign of great strength. Those who love you best and know you the best will always remind you of that.

I love my mother so much. She tells me often that what she loves about me is that I don’t half-ass anything. If I put my heart into something I give my whole heart. So you know that if I walk away from something it is never for lack of trying.

My husband has gotten over being angry at me for putting my all into people because love is a trait he admires. He is happy that I am learning to let go of the toxic ones, though. I have learned how to validate myself and people are seeing it. I’m not perfect and sometimes fall back into the trap of shame and insecurity, but I pull out quicker than ever before.

Just remember insecurity is not strength, and there is a difference between being vulnerable and being insecure. Your validation must always come from self. Don’t feed your insecurities, but starve them. Remember this saying, “You could be the ripest, juiciest peach in the whole wide world, and there is still going to be someone who won’t like peaches.” So live for the ones who do.

Along the way you are inevitably going to fall and fail and cry. That is perfectly okay. Just take a step back, admit you’re being ridiculous, and move on. Your success rate at getting through those moments already is 100%. I’d say that is pretty good.

Walk away and give yourself a pep talk as needed. Remind yourself a bad moment, day, or even week does not equate to a bad life. They’re all lessons that can be learned. Our greatest teachers in life are the mistakes and failures we make.

Own your story no matter how hard it is. The shame of it will never go anywhere until

you do. It is far more difficult to spend the only life you get running away from it. You’re not the first to feel it, nor will you be the last. It is only by falling in love with vulnerability that we lessen the risk of losing love and belonging. We want it so much but we keep up the armor and forbid it to come in. We must be brave enough to discover our own darkness and face it down, in order to know the power of our light.

There is a fool in us all; learn to love yours. The part of you that feels too much, talks too much, takes too many or too little chances. The you who wins and the you who does not. The you who lacks self discipline, loves, hates, hurts others and gets hurt by others, promises and breaks promises, the you who laughs and the you who cries.

It is not selfish to take time out and work on your own happiness and acceptance of self. It is absolutely necessary. For only when you truly and fully accept yourself can you accept others without selfish intent. And for every time you fall apart on the journey so fucking what. Every single time you fall apart it is a chance to begin again. To rebuild yourself the way you feel you should have been this whole time.

I want to bring up other people again because it really is that important. No matter how vulnerable you are to some people they will criticize and insult you. Please do NOT ever feel guilty for ridding your life of toxic people who aren’t ready to love you back. 

I don’t care if those people are relatives, in laws, spouses, employers, co workers, friends, whoever it is, you do not have to make room in your life for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. You can only be vulnerable and love others through their vulnerability if they accept it. Love can never be forced and neither can healing.

There are going to be people you care about that just aren’t ready. You have to accept that without feeling guilty. Don’t waste your words and vulnerability on people who deserve nothing but your silence. There are times when the most powerful thing you can say is nothing at all. Don’t spend so much time loving the wrong people. Time is too short to love them all, so spend your time on the ones who love you back.

Don’t grieve too long over the losses; even if they are many. I’d rather have four quarters than 100 pennies any day. The people who really love you are not fooled by your mistakes and failures. They are not swayed by the dark images you have of yourself. They see your beauty always; even when you feel ugliest. They see your wholeness even when you are broken. Know your innocent intent when you feel guilty. And often, these people can remind you that love is your purpose, even when you get confused.

The hardest choice you will ever make for yourself is the most important. Who stays in your life and who has to go? You can be free of who you used to be, who you are now, and all those toxic people one day at a time. And please, do not excuse or defend those worst parts of you that you share. For the things we make excuses for we will never change. The entire point is to remember everyone has shame, and to unload yours without taking others personal. 

Nothing will ever bring you peace but yourself. In the end, you really do have to be your own hero because the rest of the world is either busy saving themselves, or don’t even know they need saving. And you have to save yourself; Jesus can not do it. 

Always keep in mind that everything will be alright does not necessarily mean everything will be the same. Your journey will be your own, but I can pretty much promise it will change things as mine did. You will find yourself letting go of things and people, of ideas and dogma, and of lies you let blind you for years.

There comes a time you realize that you do not need anyone else to survive, but become grateful for the few who help you do it. No one is ever going to always be there no matter what they say or promise you. We’re humans and all fighting our own battles that distract us from promises. You just have to suck it up and accept that, too.

The one quote I read that I may have to disagree with tonight is that often we expect so much from others because we'd be willing to give that much of ourselves. It just is not true. The truth is we are speaking our love language to them, but they speak an entirely different language, so they are just as frustrated as we are. We're expecting them to offer us the same type of love we give, and failing to see the love they are already speaking. We're selfish and too busy waiting to be fulfilled. 

I think I have decided what to do with my next blog. I am going to offer a thirty day challenge for the mind. I hope that you will take it. The physical body and the mind are very much connected, and one can drastically affect the other. There are plenty of studies on vulnerability, healing, and human connection that prove this is worth it. I know it is worth it from my own journey. 

The week long episode of depression that I just went through is very rare for me now. I knew that there was something about the religious past I experienced that I must not have dealt with yet for it to affect me so badly. I found there were many unresolved issues, made the necessary corrections, and now I am moving on; feeling at peace with it all.

I often wonder if my children are still affected by my fundamentalism today. This depression brought on an talk with my children that resolved that guilt once and for all. They're not affected, and are just glad we are not that way today. 

They have no residue of fear left over from hell or anything. Of course, after reading the bible themselves with some innocence left they never really did believe it. It was just a book to them. Stories that shocked their mind and simply could not be true. My daughter added that she don't see me as crazy, but as someone who gave her all to try and follow the religion she'd been taught. 

My sister and mother both reminded me that I have the right to my story. That I can remove toxic people from my life. That there is no shame in falling unless I allow the shame to keep me down. 

Friends reminded me that love is really what it's about, and suggested blogging. My husband just isn't ready to deal with it at all, but he hugged me, cried with me, and told me he was so sorry. God I love that man. 

So here I am today, thirty or more relatives and friends gone. Some I have hurt and some who have hurt me. Some who will always see me as the crazy religious lady. It doesn't matter, you know. The ones I have hurt I have apologized to, said sorry to even people I may have hurt who never said a word just in case, and removed them to prevent my atheist posts from hurting them more. The ones who have hurt me I removed to set my boundaries. We only accept what we think we deserve, and I don't deserve to be kicked when I'm down. If I am experiencing a breakdown and your response is to laugh I must remove you. Vulnerability is hard enough without being made fun of. 

I am really doing the blogs for myself, but hoping others can benefit. It is going to help me give the life of an atheist a positive spin. I really am much happier since taking full accountability for my life. Since becoming atheist and having no excuse not to. I want to pay it forward in something other than just anger at injustice. I hope these help someone at some point.